The silly little things

Scribbling in black

Over my face in the photographs I don’t like

Where did I learn to hate myself?

I watched my mother

Prim and prod over every detail

Asking a teenage girl for approval

When she couldn’t even do it for herself

Asking her to love her

When she didn’t love herself

Is it genetic?

To not feel enough?

No matter the quantity of compliments

Or sweet words

Or the embrace of a loving boyfriend,

No matter the achievements

Or good days

Or amount of sunshine on my face

Will block out the heavy voices that swallow my pride

And shivering shadows that darken my soul

And the intensity of hatred that harbours in my bones

For myself.

My throat is heavy

Above an empty stomach

So tempting to go back to old habits

So tempting to crawl up and hibernate

Until the big people leave and its deemed safe

But I cannot carry on being the back up

To someone else’s lead role

I am the main event

I am freedom

I am alive

Barely

“you grew up too fast”

Some could criticize

“it’s all in your head”

Others would sigh

And you take a look at me and you think you know my life

But look closer

At the scars I have perfected to hide

And the reasons behind harsh words and lies

And the reason that I feel empty inside

And then you can tell me

And I will believe

That you love me

Darling.

Sometimes I get so caught up in other peoples lives

That I prevent myself from living

And I look so closely at the perfection of others

That I only see flaws

And I need to remind myself

That although he told you to be perfect

You can’t

So move on

And breathe a little slower

Let people love you

And don’t worry about tomorrow

Let the sun hit your face and not worry

About how your face looks when you squint

It will be okay

Because you are not their words

Or their expectations

You are merely a girl

Correction,

Woman

Learning how to live

And you will be okay

If you let it be.

I was spoon fed fairy-tales and lullabies and then sent into a cruel world

I was showed how to fight for my rights and talk to the crowd

But not how to love myself

And I had tear stained cheeks in the middle of a rainstorm

So no one took a second glance

(Source: maddie-ann)

i dont think i could tell you how much i like you. its for the silliest reasons as well. like how you hate people touching your hair but you let me mess up yours anyway. and how you look at me so lovingly. and how you like how crazy i am.  and the stupid smile you get when i tickle you. and how cute your mum is to me. and how you will defend me to any single person who tries to hurt me. your what i waited for, for so long and thought i wouldnt find. you treat me like im so perfect despite me finally being brave enough to prove that im not. you arent perfect either, but i think your perfect for me. because i have never been so happy with another person, and i have never felt so beautiful that when you look at me in that way. i know that your worth anything bad through this. but i cant honestly imagine anything being bad with you. 

i know its early but i really really like him. and i never get like this, really. i dont usually let myself just fall for someone without being cautious and crazy over every detail. but he makes me feel safe. and  he makes me so happy. that its like i just dont care anymore. im fine to let myself fall.

i dont understand how you can think i dont care. like seriously, that was so screwed up. i know you were “wasted” and that you dont remember it, but i will. i will remember that you were too much of a fucking pussy to tell me yourself. and i will remember that no matter what now, its never ever going to be the same. screw you for being a slut. and screw you for making me care. its so annoying, i dont want to. im just going to pretend you dont exist. its so much easier.

i didnt know i would care this much.

Is this hard for you? It doesn’t seem like it at all.

I don’t like this.

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